As we enter the holiday season, the air fills with festive cheer. Twinkling lights illuminate everything. There’s a promise of gathering with loved ones. For many, this time of year is a joyful celebration marked by traditions and togetherness. However, it is essential to recognize that the holidays can be a challenging period for numerous individuals. Behind the facade of holiday cheer, many struggle with loss. They also face mental illness and experience loneliness.
The Weight of Loss
The holidays can be a painful reminder for those who have lost a loved one. It highlights who is missing. Empty chairs at the dinner table serve as reminders of past traditions. The absence of familiar voices can cast a shadow over what is meant to be a time of joy. Grief doesn’t adhere to a time table, and the festive season can exacerbate feelings of sorrow and longing. It is important to honor these feelings. Allow space for grief. Find ways to remember and celebrate the lives of those who have passed.
The Silent Battle of Mental Illness
The holidays can also exacerbate mental health issues such a as depression and anxiety. The pressure to be cheerful, the expectation to socialize, and the stress of holiday preparations can be overwhelming. For someone struggling with mental illness, the contrast between societal expectations and the internal reality can feel isolating. Many people may find it difficult to engage in the festivities often leading to feelings of inadequacy or shame. It is crucial to foster an environment of understanding and support, allowing those who are struggling to feel seen and heard.
The Reality of Loneliness
Loneliness can be particularly magnified during the holidays. The holidays can highlight feelings of isolation for individuals who are far away from family. It can be the same for those who are single. Those who have recently experienced a breakup may feel this too. Social media often portrays idealized versions of holiday celebrations. This portrayal further deepens feelings of exclusion for those who may be feeling lonely. Simple actions like a phone call can help. An invitation to join in holiday activities or just a message lets them know they are not forgotten.
Creating Inclusive Celebrations
As we navigate the holiday season, let’s strive to create a more inclusive environment. This can involve:
Recognizing Individual Experiences: Acknowledge that everyone has a unique relationship with the holidays. Check in on friends and family, and be open to listening to their feelings.
Offering Support: Extend invitations to those who may be alone, or simply offer a listening ear. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can make a significant difference.
Honoring Traditions Differently: For those coping with loss, consider creating new traditions. These should honor the deceased while allowing for new memories to be made.
Encouraging Self-Care: Remind loved ones to prioritize their mental health. Encourage them to take breaks, seek professional help if needed, and practice self-compassion.
Spreading Kindness: Small acts of kindness can go a long way in brightening someone’s holiday season. Whether it s volunteering, donating to a cause, or simply sharing a smile, every gesture counts.
Conclusion
This holiday season, let’s remember that not everyone experiences joy and cheer. By being empathetic and supportive, we can help create a space where everyone feels valued and included. The holidays may not be joyous for everyone. However, together, we can foster a sense of community and compassion. This unity can bring light to even the darkest of moments.
For far too long, men’s mental health has been a taboo subject. But the statistics show that men struggle with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, addiction, and suicidal thoughts at alarming rates. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly 77% of all suicide deaths in the United States are by men. While both men and women experience mental health issues, cultural norms have led men to feel they can’t express vulnerability or ask for help. This can have tragic consequences.
The demands placed on men in our society also take a psychological toll. Men often feel pressure to appear strong and in control at all times. They may internalize the message that admitting to feelings of stress, sadness or weakness is a sign of failure as a man. This can isolate men from social support networks and prevent them from getting help early when problems first emerge. This unfortunately leads them to engage in self-medicating behaviors like alcohol and drug abuse, gambling, infidelity, etc.
The stigma around men seeking help for emotional problems prevents so many from getting the support they need. Fortunately, attitudes are slowly changing as people recognize mental health as equally important as physical health. There are many resources available for men seeking help, from online support forums to counseling services and support groups. Reaching out for help takes courage but is one of the most caring things you can do for yourself and your loved ones.
Counseling provides a confidential, non-judgemental space to open up about what is really going on in one’s life and how they are feeling. Speaking to a professional counselor means you don’t have to try handling problems alone or put on a brave face for friends and family. Counselors are trained to listen without criticism and help you understand yourself better.
Many issues like depression, anger, or relationship conflicts have deep-rooted causes that counseling can help uncover and resolve. Talking through problems with an objective listener brings clarity that friends may not provide. Counselors use goal-oriented techniques like CBT to change negative thoughts and behavior patterns over the long term.
Seeking and participating in counseling is a sign of strength not weakness. Facing problems head-on with a counselor’s guidance takes courage. It shows you want to improve your life, relationships, and your overall quality of life. Counseling is a process, not a quick fix; with the objective of creating lasting positive change. So if you are on the fence about starting counseling, give it a try. Your well-being is worth the investment. Consider it a check-up from the neck up!
We all know that alcohol is widely consumed socially and is part of many cultures and traditions. However, it is important to be informed about the facts related to alcohol so you can make healthy choices. As with many things, moderation is key when it comes to alcohol. Key Facts About Alcohol -Alcohol is a depressant. It slows down vital functions like breathing, heart rate, and reaction time to stimuli.It is absorbed into the bloodstream and transmitted to all of the systems of the body. -There are three main types of alcohol: beer, wine, and spirits. Beer typically contains 4-6% alcohol by volume (ABV based on 12oz), wine typically contains 9-16% ABV (per 5oz serving), and spirits/liquor has anywhere from 30-90% ABV (per 1.5oz serving). -According to the CDC, excessive alcohol use led to approximately 95,000 deaths each year in the U.S. from 2006-2010 (through injuries, violence alcohol poisoning, liver disease, and cancer. –Binge drinking is defined as consuming 4+ drinks for women and 5+ drinks for men on a single occasion. It increases the risk of health issues like alcohol poisoning, liver disease, and unintentional injuries/accidents. –Underage drinking is especially dangerous as the developing brain is more susceptible to alcohol’s impairing effects on memory, learning, and judgment. It also increases the risk of addiction.
Understanding the Psychological Impact of Alcohol Abuse As mentioned earlier, alcohol consumption is common socially and culturally, but abusing alcohol can significantly impact your mental health and psychological well-being.
Here are some key psychological effects of long-term alcohol abuse: –Anxiety and Depression: Heavy drinking disrupts neurotransmitter and hormone balance in the brain, which can increase feelings of anxiety, depression, and irritability. This often persists even after stopping drinking. –Impaired Cognitive Function: Alcohol abuse has been shown to damage brain cells and neural connections over time, impairing memory, decision-making, and the ability to learn new tasks. –Low Self-Esteem and Shame: Abusing alcohol oftentimes is used as a self-medicating tool to mask unresolved issues such as low self-esteem or self-worth. Long-term it could worsen these feelings and lead to higher rates of stress, guilt, and shame around the drinking behavior. –Higher Suicide Risk: People who abuse alcohol long-term have a significantly higher risk of suicidal thoughts, attempts, and completion of suicide compared to the general public. Underlying mental health issues may exacerbate this. Relationship and Family Problems: Drinking too much often damages important relationships as it can cause abusive behavior, financial issues, broken commitments, and withdrawal from family life. If you or a loved one are struggling with alcohol abuse, it is important to seek help from a medical professional and/or a licensed alcohol counselor (LCADC). Support groups like A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) can also help address the psychological and societal issues associated with alcohol addiction.
Change is an inevitable part of life. As we progress through the different stages: graduating high school or college, starting a new job, getting married, having kids, empty nesting, grieving the loss of loved ones; our lives are constantly in flux. While change can be uncomfortable and unsettling, it also can present opportunities for growth.
Graduating is one of the biggest transitions many of us face. Leaving ones familiar environment and support systems to venture out on your own can be daunting. However, it also allows for new independence and adventures. The excitement of a fresh start and possibilities may outweigh any anxiety one might have. The key is to try and embrace the change by being open-minded and flexible during this transition.
New jobs also bring change whether it’s your first professional job or a career change later in life. The adjustment to new responsibilities, teams, cultures, and routines requires adapting to unfamiliar situations. During this time it is important to ask questions and be patient with yourself as you learn your new role. It oftentimes takes anywhere from 3-6 months to adjust to a new routine, or in this case, a new job.
Family changes like marriage, parenthood, and aging parents present transitions that affect ones priorities and daily lives significantly. While more demanding at times, these changes can often bring profound joy as well. Learning to juggle new roles and responsibilities takes time and compromise from all involved. There are significant challenges that come with all of these changes, challenges that can put a strain on ones mental health if not managed properly. There has to be open communication and one cannot be afraid to ask for help from loved ones when things get overwhelming.
As our kids grow up and leave home, “empty nesting” creates another big change that prompts redefining your identity and purpose. This is an opportunity to embrace this transition by reconnecting with your partner, pursuing personal interests, and spending more time with friends. Staying active and engaged socially will help ease any sense of loss from having an empty home.
How Life’s Transitions Can Impact Mental Health
Life transitions and change in general can present significant challenges for people beyond just “adjusting” to something new or different. Here are some factors that are impacted by life transitions:
Increased Stress and Anxiety: Major changes like graduating, switching careers, or parenting teenagers for the first time are common sources of stress. Worrying about the unknown future can also raise anxiety levels. When we are feeling out of sorts, we have a tendency to try and control everything around us; sensing that if our environment is in control we are better off. The reality is we cannot control our environment or the future and the more we try the more anxious we get.
Feelings of Loss: Significant transitions often involve losing aspects of the familiar routine, relationships, or identity. This loss can trigger sadness, grief, or feelings of being ungrounded. Young adults may feel a sense of loss of their childhood, feeling the loss of innocence and limited responsibilities. It can be quite overwhelming for them because they lost that feeling of security and now have to face “adult situations”. Feelings of loss also involve the loss of a loved one, whether a parent or spouse, or a long-time friend. While it is difficult to prepare for this inevitability, the feelings of loss can be significantly impactful on one’s life. Feelings of loss can leave one feeling alone or isolated.
Isolation: Significant changes and life transitions may disrupt social support systems if you move to a new area or friends/family do not share the same life stage anymore. Sometimes we just outgrow our social network and find ourselves struggling to make new friends. Loneliness can negatively impact one’s mood and overall well-being.
Pressure and Perfectionism: There is pressure that comes with life transitions like starting college or a first job to succeed immediately. Unrealistic expectations of oneself can lead to frustration and low self-esteem. Sometimes there are external pressures to succeed immediately; it’s important to be able to take a step back and assess one’s own progress, and ask for help if it seems like you are falling behind expectations.
Developmental Challenges: Transitions like puberty, leaving the nest, aging, or menopause involve biological and psychological adjustments that can be extremely challenging and overwhelming. Adjusting to these changes sometimes includes accepting we can no longer do things like we used to; whether it is due to physical, mental, or emotional reasons.
To promote resilience during life’s transitions one should:
-maintain social connections
-stick to routines when possible
-set reasonable goals
-engage in relaxing activities
-seek counseling if overwhelmed
-lean on others for help and perspective
Life transitions, while unsettling at times, are part of the natural flow of life. Managing transitions is an ongoing process of self-care and adaptation. With an open mind and support from others, these changes can present opportunities to learn and grow in positive new directions.
Everyone knows that sleep is incredibly important for our physical health and day-to-day functioning. But did you realize that sleep is equally vital for your mental well-being and emotional balance? Research reveals that a lack of sleep alters brain activity. When you’re sleep-deprived, you may struggle with decision-making, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and adapting to change. Sleep deficiency has also been associated with depression, suicidal thoughts, and risky behavior.
Sleep deprivation can lead to self-medicating or addictive behaviors. When you’re sleep-deprived, you naturally feel tired or sluggish during the day. One common solution is to consume caffeinated drinks. If sleep troubles persist, caffeine consumption can significantly increase over time. This can further complicate the issue of sleeplessness. So, what happens when someone is overly caffeinated by the end of the day? They attempt to counter it by consuming alcohol, smoking marijuana, or taking other depressant drugs to calm themselves down (anyone for Z-quil?). This creates a harmful cycle that disrupts a person’s life.
Here are some significant benefits of sleep for your mental well-being:
1) Improves your mood. A good night’s sleep aids in regulating your mood and reducing stress levels.
2) Enhances emotional resilience. A well-rested mind is better equipped to remain calm and composed in challenging situations.
3) Improves focus and concentration. Sleep is indispensable for cognitive functions such as focus, problem-solving, decision-making, and creativity.
4) Allows your mind to rest. Sleep provides your mind with a break from the constant stimuli of waking hours.
5) May help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia. Maintaining good sleep habits as you age may contribute to delaying or preventing cognitive decline.
6) Leads to healthier relationships. A good night’s sleep helps you sustain a balanced mood and perspective.
Sleep is the cornerstone of your physical and mental well-being. It’s essential to prioritize getting the recommended 7-9 hours of sleep per night to maintain your healthiest and happiest self.
Why is it difficult for fathers to parent their teenage kids? In so many ways, dads face uphill battles to effectively parent their teenagers through this complex developmental period. There are several key reasons why it is particularly difficult for fathers:
Changing dynamics: The parent-child relationship goes through major shifts as teens seek more independence and autonomy. Some fathers struggle to adjust their role and authority. Their teen will want to do more on their own (or with friends) without their parents, and will get defiant when dad tells them no. This in turn may make the father feel disrespected and increase the likelihood of a conflict, with the dad trying to regain “control” of their teenage child.
Lack of experience: Fathers may feel ill-prepared to guide their child through the emotional ups and downs of adolescence. I believe all dads are unprepared to navigate through the raging hormones, and the desire of their teenager to explore their world without them. It could certainly be a shock to the system, but it can also foster a different level of communication, a more collaborative one.
Distance in the relationship: Teens naturally pull away from their parents, which can be felt more significantly by dads who were previously close with their younger child. Again, this is an adjustment period that no parent, specifically dads, are not prepared for. It is everything they can do to not take it personally when their teenager would rather spend time with friends than with their parents.
Communication challenges: Open dialogue is harder as teens don’t share as freely. Fathers must make more of an effort to connect on a deeper level through more listening than “preaching”. Dads cannot get away with the “because I told you so” argument. They have to try and explain their rationale behind the things they say to their teenager, rather than just yell demands (especially when it is not what their child wants to hear).
Clash of masculinity: Teenage sons may resist paternal guidance as they establish their own identity. This can most certainly put a restrain on the father-son bond. Again, this can lead to fathers feeling not only disrespected but also inadequate as a parent. This could lead fathers expressing their anger more aggressively, in an attempt to reestablish themselves as the dominant figure in the household.
Relating to teenage experiences: It is difficult for fathers, who are much older, to remember and relate to the daily social pressures and challenges of modern teenage life. This happens all the time, from generation to generation. The older generation seems to always think they know exactly what the current generation is going through. I can tell you from my experience, not only as a therapist but as a parent that couldn’t be farther from the truth. This generation of kids are experiencing their environment in ways we never could have imagined at their age. The unlimited instant access to information and rapidly changing technology expose these teenagers to life situations they are not emotionally, intellectually, or cognitively prepared to adequately manage. So imagine the fathers trying to help protect their children from all of that. They would have to get an education on all of what is out there just to try and keep up. Not an easy task.
Work commitments: Demands of providing financially can prevent fathers from spending important one-on-one time with their teens. Unstable economy and work environments contribute to an ever present level of stress that oftentimes spills over into the home environment. Financial stressors can reek havoc on home life with the teenagers sometimes getting negative attention from their parents.
Co-parenting difficulties: When present, tensions with the teen’s mother can undermine consistent discipline and open communication. Differences in parenting styles could foster a more adversarial relationship with one or the other parent to the teenager.
Unresolved issues from father’s own adolescence: Oftentimes fathers harbor resentment from their own teenage experiences and project negative emotions and thoughts onto their own teenager. This happens quite often with fathers trying to prevent whatever happened to them with their children, leading to conflict because the fathers come off as more controlling and not communicating where their concerns are stemming from.
How can fathers be better parents for their teenagers?
Set clear boundaries and consequences. Teenage boys often test limits, so fathers need to be firm but fair with rules around curfew, chores, schoolwork, etc. They must follow through consistently!
Encourage open communication. Teenagers may be reluctant to talk, so fathers should make an effort to regularly check in, listen actively, and share how they are feeling as well.
Encourage positive activities. Help them find hobbies, sports, volunteering, or a part-time job to keep busy and learn life skills. Structure reduces boredom and the risk of delinquent behavior.
Monitor peer influences closely. Know who their friends are and how they might be impacting behavior. Be willing to set limits on certain friends if needed. Be mindful not to overstep unless you can provide clear reasoning why a friend who they associate with may not be the best influence for them.
Address emotions constructively. Validate feelings but do not tolerate outbursts. Encourage other coping strategies like journaling, exercise, or talking it out when calmer.
Model respectful behavior. Teenage boys learn from their father’s examples. Fathers treat their sons, partners, and others with kindness and respect.
Use sensible consequences proportionate to maladaptive behaviors. Natural consequences tend to work better than straight punishment. Removing privileges may work better than yelling.
Spend quality time one-on-one. Do activities they enjoy to keep the relationship strong during this development phase.
Maintain reasonable expectations for development. Pick battles wisely and consider their maturity level and impulsiveness at this stage.
Seek help early if issues escalate. Working with a therapist can help navigate major challenges for both the teenager and the father. Counseling can also assist with the unresolved issues the father may have that is contributing to the conflict with their teenager.
Fatherhood can be a very rewarding life experience, but it can also be a frightening one. Learning how to navigate through the teenage years can result in a more enriched adult/child relationship with their children as they get older. So, buckle up it is going to be a wild ride, and dads, don’t be afraid to pull over and ask for directions!
While psychotherapy often focuses on addressing serious issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma, many therapists have discovered the value of incorporating humor into their practice. Using laughter and levity in appropriate ways can actually help clients make progress faster and feel better. Humor is an essential component of my practice. I use it to help my clients open up about issues, especially very sensitive ones, and show them the therapeutic process is not a scary or intimidating experience. Most therapists agree the right amount of humor at the right time can enhance the therapeutic process immensely.
Here are some ways humor benefits the therapeutic process:
It builds rapport and trust. Sharing a laugh with your therapist helps form an emotional connection early on. Clients feel more at ease opening up when they see the therapist has a lighter side.
It reduces anxiety and tension. Humor and laughter trigger the release of “feel-good” chemicals in the brain like endorphins and dopamine. This can relieve stress and ease anxious feelings that often arise in therapy sessions.
It provides perspective. Seeing the absurdity or irony in a situation through humor can help clients gain a new perspective on their problems. This shift in perspective often loosens the emotional grip pf painful thoughts and feelings.
It strengthens resilience. The ability to laugh at life’s difficulties is a sign of emotional strength and resilience. Therapists can help clients develop this coping skill through using humor together in sessions.
It signals progress. As clients make progress in therapy, they often become able to joke and find humor in things that previously upset them. This shows they are gaining some distance from their problems.
It strengthens the relationship. Sharing laughs together helps build trust, closeness, and a sense of fun between the therapist and client. This does not mean they are making light of their problems or not taking them seriously. It’s the exact opposite; it creates an alliance that is critical for making real progress.
I just saw JAWS in IMAX over the Labor Day weekend (twice in fact!) Jaws is a classic horror film, and the first summer blockbuster when it was released in 1975. It tells the story of a homicidal, Great White Shark, (a Carcharodon Carcharias) who terrorizes Amity Island. For the first half of the movie, the shark was not seen. If it wasn’t for the music we wouldn’t even know he was on the prowl. The town council was in denial about the danger of this man-eater, “it was a boating accident”, or “a swimmer who just got tired and drowned”. Chief Brody knew better, Hooper declared this was no boating accident, that it was, in fact, a shark, and it would continue to kill people unless the beaches were closed and they did something about this shark.
But Mayor Vaughn said, “Amity is a summer town and they need summer dollars”. To further deflect the situation, he implored Brody to go after the vandal who painted a shark fin on their advertisement billboard, THAT was the real problem. Brody told him leaving the beaches open was like ringing the dinner bell!
Well, they left the beaches open, putting people in danger, all so the town council could line their pockets, come off like heroes, and get reelected. The mayor manipulated a council member to go into the water with his family to further demonstrate his political agenda. He minimized the danger and gave misinformation on camera about some swimmers who were injured when in fact they were devoured by a shark. It wasn’t until the next shark attack when the mayor’s son was within striking distance of the shark that he relented and closed the beaches, and hired someone to kill the shark.
This is Mrs. Taft, she’s an “islander” from Amity Island. She wanted the beaches to stay open so she could get her tan. It didn’t matter that the little Kintner boy was eaten by the shark off a raft like sushi on rice. It didn’t matter that more people could die, as long as she could have what she wanted.
This level of self-centeredness didn’t just occur in a mid-’70s horror flick, it exists to this day in real life. Politicians like Mayor Vaughn are running rampant in this country. Most if not all politicians lie at some point; some are subtle about it, while others flaunt it like they are quoting from a Bible…oh wait, some claim they are doing that as well. They spread misinformation to gain attention and keep it on them, not for any altruistic purposes, but to stir up divisive rhetoric and promote hate. It doesn’t matter if they haven’t researched the facts, they are banking on their followers not researching it either. And they don’t!
People take these politicians and talking-heads at their word because they strike a nerve, an internal fuse if you will; they provide an outlet for people’s fear and anger within themselves that they have limited coping skills to address on their own. It is easier to blame others for their insecurities and misfortunes instead of taking responsibility for themselves.
Politicians and talking-heads prey on these people not to help them but to exploit them; while lining their pockets, gaining followers, and getting elected. Once they get what they want, they don’t all of sudden become compassionate and give back, no, they double down because they have to maintain this persona. Some don’t even believe what they are saying but they know it gets results, and that is all that matters. As long as they are able to get what they want, their selfish behavior will continue. Now, there are some “less intelligent” politicians and talking-heads, who believe they can say or do whatever with impunity; whether it is spreading misinformation, inciting anger/violence, or threatening people.
In order for the greater society to feel secure and hopeful for the future, there needs to be checks and balances for those who challenge the rule of law and thumb their noses at democracy. Talking heads who report information with skewed viewpoints or misinformation should be labeled “entertainment”, not news. Politicians should be held responsible for their actions and should have term limits.
People need to feel like they are being treated fairly, and not marginalized because of their socioeconomic status, the color of their skin, sex, or sexual orientation. When these factors are exploited, it does nothing but suppress, oppress, and regress society. This leads to all sorts of mental health and addiction issues, as well as violent and other acting-out behaviors. This in turn makes our job as mental health professionals more complicated than it already is.
Our job as therapists is to assist our clients toward self-improvement and a better quality of life. Often times their outlook is negative or bleak. It is extremely important for us to show them a path that is positive and hopeful. While it is often emphasized there are factors outside of their control they need to let go of; it is sometimes a daunting task. Those outside factors can carry a lot of weight, making it difficult for people with mental health issues to come out from under them. They need those public representatives to provide the information they need to make the best-informed decisions for their lives. That is what they are there for! (Otherwise, they are entertainers and should be labeled as such)
We will continue to be there for our clients, educating them about their mental health issues, and empowering them to manage their outside world. All we ask is that everyone else does their part to be informed, be kind to their neighbor no matter who they are or what they look like, and reject hate and negativity.
The term “friend” has come up many times in my practice and in my personal life as well. I hear it all the time, “my friend ” this and “my friend” that. I may ask how long they have known that person, or how well they know that person (or vice versa) So then I ask (myself), is there a statute of limitations on being someone’s friend when the friendship is not in use? Does it need to be renewed every few years, or does it expire? Is that a lifetime title you are giving that person? What do they need to do in order to maintain that title? Do they need to make a phone call every few years to keep it active? Will a text message saying “Hey” do?
I don’t know why I find this fascinating but I do. This is just my opinion…and maybe I’m doing a little ranting (so if you have anything you want to contribute please feel free to comment!). I think sometimes we hold on to that “friendship” from our past for nostalgic reasons. Or is it just more difficult to let that relationship go?
But what is aFRIEND anyway? I believe Cookie Monster may have said it best, “Sometimes me think, What is friend? Then me say, Friend is someone to share last cookie with”.
Friend: definition from dictionary.com:
1) a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard,
2) a person who gives assistance, a supporter,
3) a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile,
4) a person associated with another as a contact on a social media site.
The Oxford Dictionary defines a friend as: A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Here is the Urban dictionary definition of friend: A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.
I believe a friendship is both conditional and unconditional. It is conditional on there being a mutual benefit for both parties to be in the friendship and stay in the friendship; it cannot be beneficial to one party and not the other and be deemed a friendship. It is unconditional in one’s love and respect for the other person.
It is unconditional when one can step out of their own shoes and into their friend’s shoes without any preconceived quid pro quo (such as “I’ll do this for you if you do this for me”, or “I did that for you now you owe me”)…just being there for that person because they are in need at the moment, and awareness it will be reciprocated if needed. It is unconditional when you look forward to seeing that person and they look forward to seeing you; knowing that each other’s time is valuable and worth giving that time to that person. It is unconditional when you can go a long time without seeing or talking to each other, and when you are together it’s as if you were never apart. There is an immediate affection and appreciation for that person.
“Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness” -Euripedes
When push comes to shove, in times of need, who are you going to reach out to? Your family? Your co-workers? Your neighbors? Someone, you only see at your kid’s baseball games? Or someone who understands you, has always been there, and would drop everything to be there. Can you identify who those people are? Is it one person? Maybe you don’t have that person. You’re not alone if you don’t.
Acquaintance
What is an acquaintance? By comparison, an acquaintanceis defined as: a person known to one, but not a close friend (dictionary.com) The Cambridge Dictionary defines an acquaintance as: a person whom you know but do not know well and who is therefore not exactly a friend.
The Urban dictionary defines acquaintance as: someone you know but not close to, a friend you don’t see that often or don’t feel close to, someone you don’t see outside school or work.
I believe an acquaintance is someone you know; it doesn’t matter how much you know about that person but you know them. It is somebody you can be friendly with, someone you share a mutual interest with. The difference lies in the nature of the relationship. This is not someone you would normally spend time with (outside of that mutual interest that brought you together). This is NOT an unconditional relationship; meaning sharing love and respect for each other, wanting to spend your free time with that person. An acquaintance could be a quid pro quo type relationship, like an exchange of services that benefits both parties. This could also be someone you were once friends with but the nature of the relationship has changed, such as a high school friend that you haven’t had contact with since the last reunion. You might label them “old friends” or “childhood friends” but they are really acquaintances now.
I think we may know many people, but we are really friends with a smaller percentage of them. It is even a smaller number when we consider who we label “close friends” or “best friends”. So why do we call these acquaintances in our lives friends? For one, simply, it’s probably just easier. Another possibility, unfortunately, is YOU believe they are your friend but they really aren’t. You are always there for THEM but they aren’t really there for you. When you talk to them on the phone (or text) they are the ones who dominate the conversation, or somehow turn what you are talking about into something about them. This is a lop-sided friendship.
This illustration below (waitbutwhy.com) gives you an idea of what I am talking about. The majority of people on our mountain are acquaintances (gathered there at the bottom), and as you go up the mountain (closer to you sitting on the top), the number of people are fewer and fewer. So we don’t have a lot of friends, we have a lot of acquaintances. Those with a mountain that is top heavy with people they consider friends probably are trying to be all things to all people, and should a take little time to focus on themselves (see blog post, “I-I Me-Me Mine: The Case for Being Selfish).
“He who hath many friends hath none”-Aristotle
“Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world”-Eleanor Roosevelt
When I am working with clients who are struggling to cope with issues like anxiety (including social phobia), depression, relationship issues, family issues, addiction, etc, I strongly encourage them to reach out to their support network. They need to have the social support to help them get through these issues…they cannot do it alone. When my clients have a good support system, even if it is 1 or 2 good friends, their ability to recover or improve their self-esteem and well-being increases dramatically. It is just as significant negatively when the support network is not there. I will ask my clients about their friends, and who they feel close to, and get a sense of how successful they will be at meeting their goals. That doesn’t mean if they don’t have friends they won’t meet their goals, it’s just going to be a little more challenging.
What about all those acquaintances???
Sometimes we have acquaintances that we just didn’t do enough (or anything) to cultivate into a friendship. Sometimes we are too loyal to our current friend group that we don’t want to offend them by exploring other relationships. Sometimes we make negative assumptions about those acquaintances, when in fact they have friendship potential. But because of those assumptions, we hesitated exploring a possible friendship.
When you have a limited social support network it’s difficult to seek new people to be friends with. As we get older and have more responsibilities, we have less time to develop new relationships. Maybe we don’t need to acquire new people to develop friendships, but instead invest the time to boost up those “Tier 3, not really friends” category.
Having people in your life you like to spend time with can really boost your self-esteem. You don’t always need a close or best friend around to lean on, sometimes you just want to share a laugh with people you can relate to, with no strings attached…but they aren’t necessarily your friends! 😉
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”-Walt Whitman
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. Beginning in 1949, Mental Health Awareness Month has put a spotlight on the importance of mental health and wellness. There is such a stigma attached to mental illness or mental health in general, that over 70 years of advocacy and education have yet to overcome.
While 1 in 5 people will experience mental illness at some point in their lifetimes, everyone has faced or will face struggles and challenges that affect their mental health. You don’t have to be diagnosed by a doctor or therapist to know if you’re mental health is compromised.
Anxiety: Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Some symptoms include: Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired.
Stress: Any type of change that causes physical, emotional, or psychological strain. Stress is your body’s response to anything that requires attention or action.
Depressive symptoms: Hopeless outlook, loss of interest or pleasure, fatigue, sleep issues, irritability, changes in appetite and weight, uncontrollable emotions, thinking about death.
Alcohol abuse: Use of alcoholic beverages to excess, either on individual occasions (binge drinking) or as a regular practice.
Cannabis Abuse: when a person cannot stop using marijuana (dependence) and/or exhibits withdrawal symptoms when not using (ie. irritability, mood and sleep issues, decreased appetite, cravings, restlessness.
I mention these mental health issues because they are the most common issues people are in counseling to address. Everyone has experienced at least one of these at some point in their lifetimes. It may not be the presenting issue they initially come into counseling for. Oftentimes, people come in to address relationship, work-related, anger management, school, or behavioral problems. It is through the counseling process that the above-mentioned mental health issues surface. Mental health issues are often the root cause of the conflict they are experiencing.
So if these are issues that all of us have or will go through in our lives, then why is there a stigma? The viewpoint of mental illness is people afflicted with one are seen as a “weakness”, laziness, “soft”, or a “snowflake”. This level of ignorance is astounding and dangerous. The lack of understanding, awareness, and compassion is the reason so many people struggle through life untreated. Why is someone with a mental health issue looked down upon, or seen as different than anyone else? People are embarrassed and hesitant to seek counseling because of the negative connotations mental health brings. Their reluctance to seek out treatment has led to worsening symptoms, self-medication through alcohol and drugs, and suicide. If the past few years have taught us anything, the loudest voices are often the most misinformed yet influential people out there. They express their ignorant views about mental health, ostracizing those who desperately need assistance and pushing them into the shadows. Then we hear all of the “thoughts and prayers” when something tragic happens.
The past couple of years have seen unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression, alcohol, and substance abuse issues due to all things Covid-19. The pandemic took a tremendous toll on everybody in every way imaginable. It is still wreaking havoc on people today and will be felt for years to come.
I am passionate about helping people with their mental health. I welcome discussing it with those who are, shall we say, less informed. It takes tremendous courage and strength to accept that one needs help with their mental health. When someone comes to me for counseling, I want them to know they made the right decision and that help is on the way.
If you are experiencing any of the above issues, please do not hesitate to contact a therapist. You will be thankful you did! We don’t bite! We are people just like you! We are here to assist you so you can have a better quality of life and be the best YOU that you can be!
S.Pace's PsychoHealth Blog 